Speaking Through LeBron

By Ethan Sherwood Strauss, on December 8th, 2010

(Back at the HoopSpeak lab, Ethan Sherwood Strauss is coming up with new, creative ways to defend LeBron)

When asked about a Favre analogy, LeBron James said:

Brett (had) great years here in Green Bay, and any time a great competitor like that leaves, no one wants to see that, but they’ve done a great job of regrouping with Aaron Rodgers and I believe that Cleveland will do the same

How magnanimous. And he was ripped for it. For some, it’s hard to speak rationally to the 24 hour news cycle. Those tagged with scarlet letters make any comment and the bouncing, hooting, screeching children of media yell, “OOOO! You’re in TRUB-BULLLLL!!!” in a Puritanical ritual of self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s how the PR Troll process works. Pundits pretend to spot a foot-in-mouth, so they can be seen as the savvy foot extractors.

But this maligned quote highlights an underplayed truth: In words, LeBron James has been quite kind to those who despise him. For all the talk of how James is the Anti-Sportsman of the year, a devil, a pariah, a cautionary tale, few have mentioned, “He hasn’t spoken ill of anyone.” God knows I would have. Were I LeBron, my reputation-imploding response would have been:

Brett Favre? Maybe. I wouldn’t know. I’m too tired to read every column by a midlife crisis with a laptop. Perhaps that speaks to my lack of effort? Media before me, please chasten LeBron James well. That is what you do, right? You take to the airwaves and Internet, in a grand collective effort to school marm me proper. And thank GOD for that, really. Because while clawing my way out of poverty, I always prayed for the day when comfortable, pot-bellied slobs could regale me with advice on how to be more Jordanish. Go ahead, write that column…tell me what to do…pick apart these words you’re hearing right now. Like a psycho, address it to my person–act like I’m reading. Pretend your journalism platform gives you a direct line–like I’m the Pope and you’re God.

Do that, but know: I don’t listen to this stuff because none of you matter. You could all die tomorrow and your newspapers would probably cheer at the savings. Well, that’s if they still exist. More importantly, none of you know what it’s like. You just jealously resent my ability to indulge in what it is.

Even less care is reserved for the Cleveland fans. I keep telling these idiots to enjoy what we had and they take it as a license for permanent misery. Sorry I failed as actor in your psychodrama, Steve from Shaker Heights. Sorry your marriage fell apart, I’m sure my continued proximity would have made you whole again. My bad on not winning a shiny ring while rubbing Drew Carey’s belly. It was all I ever wanted for Cleveland back while growing up in NotCleveland.

Gee, guess I really don’t understand the supreme gravity of what sports means to the wealthy ticket holders of poor, blighted Ohio. Oh wait, I totally understood–but it slipped my mind. You see, I don’t think about any of you people, most of the time. And why should I? I’m an abstract symbol, a vicarious thrill for emasculated masses. You wear me like a coat, or literally, a jersey. You don’t care about the actual me. And the feeling is mutual.

All that’s offensive, and not how I feel. But it’s what I would have said–were I LeBron James. Credit to LeBron for being a much nicer person than myself as LeBron.

–@SherwoodStrauss/Ethanstra@gmail.com

Ethan Sherwood Strauss

Hi Tom, I like your passion and the "tears of endangered Zebra" line. I would also agree that I'm more "journalist" than JOURNALIST. My opinion is simply that Cleveland shouldn't turn LeBron memories into a reason to hate or be miserable. Easy for me to say from afar, I know.

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Hey Tom, LeBron is especially unaware of you.

Tom

Thank god a "journalist" in the Truehoop Network has finally spoken up on behalf of Bron. It was getting to be ridiculous, with the din of ESPN's anti Bron coverage in the background, distracting me from- what's that you say? ESPN, and Truehoop in particular, have been running a non-stop blowjob marathonon "the One" since before his retardulous "The Decision" show? So the contrarian in dick's clothing writing this obnoxious article is really just bandwagoning with his sycophant boss (Henry Abbott, god I liked your site better when you had a modicum integrity...)? Huh. That's considerably more disappointing than when I just thought he was stating the beyond-obvious. uhhh, derp. Yeah, everyone knows LeBron makes 200 zillion dollars a year, sleeps on a bed literally made out of angel boobies and drinks smoothies made with the tears of endangered Zebras after his morning workout. And everyone is well aware he doesn't give a fudge what we or any fat journalist thinks. Dipshit, we god damn get it already. LeBron won, again. Cleveland lost, again. There's no such thing as unicorns, and yes, because LeBron rose from poverty, he's also generally immune from accusations that he's a soulless vampire on a quest for money at the expense of all else. Thanks for chiming in with the biting commentary. Or maybe you could just go f*%k yourself and let us wallow in our misery without telling us, "Not only did you lose and now you're back to being the Cleveland that nobody gives a damn about and will never be on national TV again (excepting of course the 2 times per year when Lebron beats you by 30 points to further remind the world how worthless you are as a city), BUT on top of all that, you should also blow your feelings about it out your ass, because as you may have forgotten, if only for a few seconds, all that stuff rolls right off his back. Nobody cares how angry or sad you are, and as soon as LeBron can win some games, you'll never even hear the name Cleveland uttered on SportsCenter ever again, as we refocus the world's eyes solely on him and his adventure." Ugh, why don't you go drown some puppies, or root for the bad guys in a movie, or tell some toddlers there's no such thing as Santa Claus. Dick.

luislandry

great!

hemlock09

my hope for the democratization of media resulting from the rise of cheap and prolific publishing (like this blog for example) has turned to cynicism. i really enjoyed the counter arguments made my people like shoals at freedarko, right up until the point he sold out and started plugging the "lebron sucks" meme for aol. this is a great site, particularly for pieces like this. now that you guys are part of truehoop, i hope that doesn't change. perspective and nuance are not easily found on All The Other Sites Trying to Be ESPN and it's great to have it here. deadspin is pretty negative and difficult to read, but i really like the idea of intelligent, unabashed criticisms of the nba-media echochamber. keep up the great work.

Speaking Through LeBron

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