Zach Attacks: Thinking about giving her a call this weekend


From December 12th to opening night, I’ll be releasing a random essay on each team in the league. This post is about the Houston Rockets. You can follow the series with the “2011-12 Team Previews” and “Zach Attacks” tags at the bottom of the page.

The entire execution of dating by our society is a pretty hilarious thing.

We search out potential dating partners primarily through judging attractive physical traits. Is that girl curvy enough? Is she too curvy? That person is an awkward height for me. That guy’s eyebrows make him look too menacing. That guy’s eyebrows don’t look menacing enough. His wingspan is so long that I bet he gives the best hugs!

There almost always has to be some sort of physical attraction that draws you to this person, before you can begin judging whether or not they are mentally fit for you. And if not, can you at least get by for the mean time while you look for someone more appealing down the road? We make the same excuses for those people we try to justify wanting to date, even if it seems like a terrible idea.

- I don’t’ mind someone with a checkered pass.
- He only dealt drugs to pay for his kids’ daycare.
- She has a couple of kids by a couple of different guys, but I’m sure she’s ready to settle down with me.
- Sure, he went to jail when he was a teenager, but he HAS to have matured by now.

The craziest part of dating is when friends date people their friends have already dated. I mean… I get it. You saw their relationship was doomed from the start. He has no interest in dating someone smarter than him and she seemed bored of eating at the same places he always wanted to go to. She also once took a modern dance class at community college so she loves to go to the club, which doesn’t bode well for the fact that he hates to dance. However, you scored highly on your SATs 10 years ago, so you’re definitely as smart as her. You’re also sort of a self-proclaimed foodie, so you can’t wait to show her how much you know about exotic foods when you take her for Thai. And we’ve all seen you Dougie on the floor.

The problem is you usually ignore all of the bad stuff because your attraction to this person blinds you. You try to forget all of the awful or awkward sex stories your friend told you. You try to forget about the time she accidentally kissed that random guy at the bar when she was hammered. You try to forget that all of the same baggage from her other ex-boyfriends that your friend had to deal with is still weighing her down on an hourly basis.

She is damaged goods and even though you think you can make it work, you probably need to accept the fact that it’s never going to turn out that way.

This is how I feel about the Houston Rockets.

Take away the fact that they have the most underrated point guard in the league with Kyle Lowry – who has clawed and climbed his way up the depth charts his entire career and become arguably the best defensive point guard in the NBA. Forget about Luis Scola who is always in danger of going all Argentina on the opponents, which he is likely to do this year since the Rockets officially need him to be that guy.

This is basically a roster full of metaphorical old friends’ girlfriends. They acquired Jonny Flynn this off-season and are hoping that it was the hip injury that made him equal his horrendous production from his healthy rookie season and not the fact that he may not be better than most other players they could put at point guard.

They have Terrence Williams who wowed Nets fans for two months during his rookie season and then struggled to find consistency with them and the Rockets. His athleticism and playmaking are only outdone by turnovers, laughable defense, and his inability to make shots.

We see Jordan Hill on their roster. Despite being desperate for a big man, the Knicks gave up on him early in a desperate effort to clear cap space for LeBron James and Chris Bosh Amare Stoudemire, Carmelo Anthony and Tyson Chandler. Despite the void left by an injured Yao Ming last season, he was unable to find playing time over Chuck Hayes and Brad Miller because his defense and offense were so subpar.

And then they have Hasheem Thabeet. Hasheem Thabeet has been clumsily lovable so far in his career. Yes, he’s awkwardly shaped throughout his entire 7’3” frame. His ass is way too high and it almost makes his body look like a velociraptor. Sure, he also looks as if Marlon Wayans got a hold of some nerve tonic and developed a case of gigantism throughout his entire body. He’s still one of the biggest people in a league desperate for interior size. He’s improved his quickness and if he can get his conditioning under control, perhaps he can show a little competency inside for Houston.

Now that I think about it, confabulating about these old girlfriends of all of our friends kind of makes me think maybe this Houston Rockets experience can work. They suffered through the loss of two great relationships with Yao and Tracy McGrady. They didn’t work out because they weren’t good enough. They just couldn’t control how their bodies got away from them, which ruined the functionality and the attractiveness of the relationship.

The young castoffs of lottery’s past COULD be salvaged into something special, especially if you surround them with guys like Lowry, Scola and Kevin Martin. I’m really starting to think a relationship with these Rockets could work out.

I’m going to see if they want to get some Massaman curry and then go dancing this weekend.

Related posts:

  1. Zach Attacks: So now what do you do?
  2. Zach Attacks: It’s not you… it’s both of us
  3. Zach Attacks: How to Succeed in Los Angeles Without Really Trying
  4. Zach Attacks: In NBA, dynasty builds you
  5. Zach Attacks: Shiny objects
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