Mic’d Minds: Boston Celtics vs. Orlando Magic

This edition of “Mic’d Minds” features last night’s game between the Boston Celtics and Orlando Magic. We drop in on the contest with Orlando leading by 21 at the start of the second half.

As always, transcribed internal monologue is italicized.

(12:00 in 3rd quarter. ORL 58, BOS 37)

Dwight Howard: “Aright everyone, let’s just keep doing what we’ve been doing and everything is going to turn out great!”

Why didn’t we have orange slices at halftime. Do I really want to play in a town where I can’t get wedges of citrus to keep my blood sugar up? At least we’re pounding these guys. Man, I hate the Celtics. They’re just so mean!

Stan Van Gundy: “Guys, we gotta take care of the ball, get back and take good shots. Let’s close this out early!”

Looks like I picked the right week to stop living exclusively on coffee and buffalo burgers. Yep, things are lookin’ up for ol’ Stanley!

Kevin Garnett: “Go @#$@#$@# team!!! UBUNTUUUU!!!”

America is NOT a young land: it is OLD and DIRTY and EVIL before the settlers, before the Indians. The evil is there WAAITTTIIIIIIIINGGG!!!!!!!

(2:31 left in 3rd. Orlando Timeout. ORL 70, BOS 54)

Stan Van Gundy: The lead was at 21, now it’s at 16. At this rate, we’ll….

Dwight Howard: Yea, just like coach said. Gotta let the big dog eat his Big Mac and fries with sweet and sour sauce. And wash it down with a Vitamin Water. Adidas!

Kevin Garnett: “C’mon guys, we $%##in’ got this #$#@!!”

Black magic operates MOST effectively in PRECONSCIOUS, MARGINAL AREAS!!! CASUAL curses are the MOST EFFECTIVE!!!!!!!!!

Jason Richardson: Ach! What was that flash of light?? I must have made eye-contact with Craig Sager’s suit… it couldn’t be an alien mind control dev–Maybe it will give me special powers, like that Travolta guy in Phenomenon…Must. Must shoot….

(12:00 left in 4th quarter. ORL 74, BOS 65)

Stan Van Gundy: “Okay team! Whatever you do, make sure get the ball to Dwight down on the block! I don’t want to get into a vicious cycle of contested early shotclock threes! If we start off that way, there may be no way out! It will all spiral into a collapse! AVOID A CALAMITOUS COLLAPSE! Got that? Good!”

Oh God, beads of sweat are starting to pool underneath this shirt. The air doesn’t feel right, something is off. I’m going to get fired, death is imminent. Maybe if I just grip this clipboard harder the storm will pass.

Dwight Howard: “Yo, J-Rich, what’s up with your eyes man. You with us?”

Who the #@$@ is E’Twaun Moore? I hope they give it to me in the post! I’m going to be all “Zoom!” and KG is gunna be all “ah man, Dwight, you’re too fast for me!” and I’m gunna be all “I dunk on your head!!” Yea!! Watch me go!

Kevin Garnett: “Keep rotating to the middle, I’ll take away Dwight’s spin to the baseline! We can do this, friends!”

LANGUAGE IS A VIRUS FROM OUTER SPACE

Jason Richardson: It feels like there are bees in my head.

(11:22 4th Quarter. E’Twuan Moore makes a three. ORL 75, BOS 67)

Stan Van Gundy: Oh God, an E’Twuan Moore three. If that’s not death’s sickle into my back, I don’t know what is.

Big Baby: Catch and shoot, it’s what I do. Catch and shoot, shoot shot shoot. Mid range, mid range, mid raaaaannnnngggge. Ooo, I’ll show KG and the guys just what they’re missin.’ Big Baby is all grown up now, biggest pick and pop threat in the league. Watch me go! Catch and shoot, shoot shoot shoot!

(10:40 4th quarter. Glen Davis misses a jumper over Kevin Garnett. ORL 76, BOS 67)

Stan Van Gundy: Oh no, oh no, Glen is trying to shoot over Garnett. He’s completely oblivious to when he’s open. We’ve devolved into Glen Davis hero ball. If that’s not death’s cold claw on my sweaty throat, I don’t know what is.

Dwight Howard: Where is the ball FOR ME! I want it so I can do cool things! Superman needs his spinach!

(10:22 4th quarter. Paul Pierce hits a three over Quentin Richardson. ORL 76, BOS 70)

Stan Van Gundy: Oh, no, no, no, NO! Was Quentin’s hand even UP on that. He barely raised his elbows!

Quentin Richardson: Haha! Dwight, you owe me a grand. Totally didn’t think I’d do the Clippers head tap during a game, did ya! Well, I did it…he better pay up.”

(10:07 4th quater. J.J Reddick throws an entry pass to Dwight Howard. Pass stolen)

Dwight Howard: Popeye can’t fly without his cape, J.J.! That’s a pass Deron makes, or a pass that happens better in a bigger city with more bright lights! Also warm weather. Warm weather is a must. But no Clippers. Or yes Clippers?

J.J. Reddick: I am probably not a point guard I think.

Stan Van Gundy: It’s all falling apart! I told them not to make it fall apart and they’re making it fall apart!

Kevin Garnett: Man, being a bar fight would be SO #$@#$ COOL!!! Well, except the whole fighting part, that’s scary. No one EVER wants to fight the 7-1 guy! #@%@S!! But I bet playing in a basketball game is A LOT LIKE hitting someone RIGHT IN THE FACE with a glass bottle. It’s just GOTTA BE!!!

(9:52 Paul Pierce makes another jumper. Orlando Timeout. ORL 76, BOS 72)

Paul Pierce: Hey, my legs work again! Weird.

Kevin Garnett: “Remember guys, a cat’s rage is beautiful, burning with pure cat flame, all its hair standing up and crackling blue sparks, eyes blazing and sputtering.”

Man, being a bar fight would be SO #$@#$ COOL!!! Well, except the whole fighting part, that’s scary. No one EVER wants to fight the 7-1 guy! #@%@S!! But I bet playing in a basketball game is A LOT LIKE hitting someone RIGHT IN THE FACE with a glass bottle. It’s just GOTTA BE!!!

(9:37 4th Quarter. J.J. Reddick misses a wild layup.)

J.J. Reddick: The devil insists on trying to battle me I meet him in an empty field on the high plains He throws temptations my way to inflict internal pain.

Big Baby: This will be in your eye, KG! See you yell at me after I pop this over your bald, mean head! Catch and shoot, shoot shoot shoot.

(Misses)

Dwight Howard: Disney World sucks.

(7:39 left in 4th. E’Twaun Moore makes a three. ORL 76, BOS 79)

E’Twaun Moore: Yippieeee! It’s cool to be in the real life NBA!

Kevin Garnett: I gotta remember to tell Craig Sager about how THIS IS LIKE A BAR FIGHT. IT IS A PERFECT METAPHOR.

Charles Barkley, watching from the TNT studio: You know…this really reminds me of a barfight, Kinny. Wait, Kinny can’t read my thoughts. Gotta save that one for when the lights come on!

(Jason Richardson misses a wild shot)

Michael Pietrus: “Jason, old friend, what are you doing?”

Je ne vis plus, j’assiste à la vie. (What son does not think himself wiser than his father?)

(5:56 left in 4th. Dwight Howard makes a layup over KG. ORL 78, BOS 79)

Dwight Howard: That’s what happens when you let Aquaman drink his water!”

Stan Van Gundy: Did Dwight score? It’s so hard to keep track of the game while breathing into this paper bag. Mmmm, fry oil.

Kevin Garnett: Dag! I sure wish I would have STOPPED THAT LAYUP!!!!”

Man is an artifact designed for space travel. He is not designed to remain in his present biologic state any more than a tadpole is designed to remain a tadpole.

(4:31 4th quarter. Jason Richardson misses off the side of the backboard. ORL 80, BOS 86)

Jason Richardson: Head…buzzy…must…move hands in shooting-like motion.

Michael Pietrus: Jason, mon vieil ami. C’est un malheur de n’être point aimée ; mais c’est un affront de ne l’être plus. (It’s sad not to be loved, but it’s insulting to be loved no more)

(2:41 left in 4th. Media timeout. ORL 80, BOS 86)

Stan Van Gundy: “Okay guys, REMAIN CALM. One shot at a time, don’t focus on the past, only the future!”

I AM NOT CALM. In no way am I calm! We totally blew this lead, whatever we could have done to win is mired in the past! I can’t focus on the future at all! Are there some tums I can gargle?

Dwight Howard: “Okay team, let’s go! We have to work together, we have to change! We’re in this for the long haul, no matter how hard it gets!”

That’s it, I’m outta here. No matter how much better things get. It’s bad here, it’s like Superman has capeworms or something.

(:39 4th Quarter. Hedo Turkoglu makes 3-pointer. ORL 83, BOS 87)

Stan Van Gundy: “GET UP, GET UP, PRESS, PRESS!! WE NEED THE BALL!”

My soul is a cobwebbed tomb of forfeited dreams. The dull throb of my etched throat has become life itself.

Dwight Howard: “Keep trying everyone, stay positive and we can do anything!”

What’s the point. I loath this forsaken swampland.

Kevin Garnett: JUST DON’T FORGET TO MENTION BARFIGHTS TO SAGER. EVERYONE MUST KNOW I’M A WARRIOR POET. I WISH I WOULD HAVE SAID THAT I “KNOCKED THE BULLY OUT… IN A BARFIGHT!!!”

Kevin Garnett, to Sager: “It was a goddamn bar fight. A goddamn bar fight, man. It was a bar fight, Craig. Tonight was a bar fight, man. We knew they were going to come in with a lot of energy. Tonight was a bar fight. You ever been in a bar fight?”

Charles Barkley: NOOOOO!!! He used it! Dammit! A bar fight is the PERFECT analafor!


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  3. Draft banter: Boston Celtics
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