Image by Anthony Bain
What do you do when Valentine’s Day hits and you want to show the one you love the way you feel about them? Some will write their name in the sky, or burn their name into the front lawn. Everybody has their own way of showing it, no matter what the cops, lawyers and judges say is an acceptable minimum distance for you to keep from the one you love at all times.
Other people write poetry about their significant other. I am choosing to write a little poetry about each team or find a Valentine’s Card and let them know just how much I heart them during this truncated and tawdry affair we call the 2011-12 NBA season. Enjoy and Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you.
You’re terrible, I really mean it. Anybody want a peanut?
30. Charlotte Bobcats (3-25, 2-11 home, 1-14 road, -14.4 differential, 30th last week)
A franchise has fled and another appeared, except this time it’s filled with no one that’s feared.
Ownership switches hands and GMs are replaced, but the only thing that’s consistent is the game is defaced.
Mired in losing ways, success isn’t any closer. We fear the only solution could be a contraction bulldozer.
What they need is a symbol, more than just a ferocious orange kitty. This team needs a player who can energize this city.
They need a strong scorer who can produce a titch more than Walker. Someone competent enough, to flank Biyombo – their interior stalker.
So let the losing streak grow and the losses come real fast, you get the best odds in the lottery when you end up in dead last.
Games this week: at Wolves, at Toronto, at Indiana
29. New Orleans Hornets (5-23, 3-14 home, 2-9 road, -5.8 differential, 28th last week)
Games this week: at Bucks, at New York, at OKC
28. Detroit Pistons (8-21, 6-9 home, 2-12 road, -8.5 differential, 27th last week)
Signing an unskilled stretch-4 to big money is no way to save ya. So why in the world would you bring on Charlie Villanueva?
It’s a city of toughness, full of factory floors they build Fords on. Seems like only a government bailout can fix the signing of Ben Gordon.
When engines combust, it sends objects in motion. But giving money to these players will never be the right notion.
I love you Joe D and don’t want you to be mad, bro. But why sign Prince for four years if you have Jonas Jerebko?
Games this week: back-to-back (home to Spurs, at Boston), home to Kings, home to Boston
27. Washington Wizards (6-22, 4-12 home, 2-10 road, -9.1 differential, 29th last week)
Games this week: back-to-back (at Portland, at Clippers), at Utah, at Phoenix
I think we can find promise here. It’s just not quite time for us to cheer.
26. Toronto Raptors (9-20, 4-8 home, 5-12 road, -5.5 differential, 24th last week)
Like the finest threads of silk of a shirt from Armani, nothing feels as smooth as a shot from Bargnani.
Like the bubbles and grapes of the tastiest Rosé, it’s hard to enjoy something more than a pass from José.
The Raptors are defensive and no longer spacey, thanks to the great tutelage of head coach Dwane Casey.
No layup is safe as the defense gets near, just expect to get fouled or blocked by Amir.
The winters are cold and the tundra is frozen, I wish you could get something good from DeRozan.
The turnaround is now and success will be a hoot. When the wins pour in, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Games this week: back-to-back (home to Knicks, home to Spurs), home to Charlotte
25. New Jersey Nets (8-21, 3-10 home, 5-11 road, -7.7 differential, 26th last week)
Dearest Dwight, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth of our chart and presence of your height.
Our team would love to reach out, but David Stern is in sight.
For the ends of being and ideal grace, I can’t wait to see the reaction of you on the Nets from Spike Lee’s face.
Most quiet by need, by sun and candle-light.
I love to see thee defend the pick-and-roll without allowing opponents to drive right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
Get yourself traded here now, so we can give you a pay raise.
I love thee with a passion put to use.
If you don’t come here, Deron Williams we’ll lose.
Games this week: 5 games in 6 nights (home to Memphis, at Indiana then at Chicago, home to Bucks, at Knicks)
24. Sacramento Kings (10-17, 7-5 home, 3-12 road, -8.5 differential, 23rd last week)
Return to the times when the franchise wasn’t meek.
Return to the times when we marveled at Tyreke.
The city longs for days when the arena did shimmer,
Can’t wait for the moment the Kings unleash the Jimmer.
Want the Maloofs to pretend like they care about their vocation.
Be better at business and stop discussing relocation.
Power Balance Pavilion is nothing more than a relic.
It’s been around about as long as Mr. Tom Selleck.
Vote yes on the arena and give this town a new day.
Keep this team in town, as we chant, “Here We Stay.”
Games this week: back-to-back (at Chicago, at Knicks), at Detroit, at Cavs
You can make the playoffs if the field is weak.
Not sure if I’m allowed to rhyme this with “week”
23. Cleveland Cavaliers (10-16, 5-7 home, 5-9 road, -3.7 differential, 21st last week)
The season was rolling and your team sure looked dandy.
Now you have to figure out life without Andy.
You tried your best to keep the “Chosen One.”
And all you got out of it was this horrible Jamison.
You catered to ego and all it did was flee.
You’re left trying to figure out if you like Alonzo Gee.
Some pundits did wonder if it was right to pick Tristan.
It could be worse; at least you aren’t a Piston.
No longer on a slippery road, just recklessly swerving.
I couldn’t be happier for you, that you got Kyrie Irving.
Games this week: home to Indiana, home to Miami, home to Kings
22. Phoenix Suns (12-16, 5-7 home, 7-9 road, -2.8 differential, 25th last week)
You gutted the franchise, like a ruthless meat carver.
All because your paychecks were signed by Robert Sarver.
You couldn’t appease Marion and you lost on Amare.
Instead of moving forward, you’re as current as an Atari.
Your roster has become a joke, because you’re owned by a clown.
The best move you’ve made recently was signing Shannon Brown.
Your roster was a diamond and you sold it for a quartz.
All you do now is depress Michael Schwartz.
You left good fans out to dry because you needed to save cash.
The only interest you draw now is if you’ll finally free Steve Nash.
Games this week: 2/3 of a back-to-back-to-back (at Denver, home to Atlanta), at Lakers, back-to-back (home to Lakers, home to Wizards)
21. Milwaukee Bucks (12-16, 7-6 home, 5-10 road, -1.7 differential, 19th last week)
Bogut’s injuries are unlucky and it’s been quite a drag.
But none of that matters because your point guard has swag.
Skiles demands are strict and he can be such a nag.
But none of that matters because your point guard has swag.
This team can put you to sleep, like chloroform on a rag.
But none of that matters because your point guard has swag.
Your offense is muddled and it zigs when it should zag.
But none of that matters because your point guard has swag.
And when you finally figure out, that it means nothing to have swag.
It won’t matter anymore because Brandon Jennings will have packed his bag.
Games this week: home to Hornets, at Orlando, back-to-back (at Nets, home to Orlando)
20. Golden State Warriors (11-14, 8-8 home, 3-6 road, -1.1 differential, 22nd last week)
Games this week: home to Portland, back-to-back (at OKC, at Memphis), home to Clippers
19. Minnesota Timberwolves (13-16, 7-10 home, 6-6 road, +0.5 differential, 16th last week)
O Rubio, Rubio, Where fore art though, Rubio?
Do I deny thy country or refuse thy Spain?
Or if thou wilt not under pressure, be but my sworn max player.
And I’ll no longer root for a Redeem Teamer.
Tis but thy nationality that is my frienemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Spaniard.
What’s Spaniard? It is nor hand nor foot.
Nor arm nor face, nor any other part
Belong to a fan. O be some other fame.
What’s in a fame? That which we call a Rose
By any other word would smell as sweet;
So Rubio would, were he not Rubio call’d.
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without yet bringing us a title. Rubio, doff thy name,
and for thy name, which is no part of thee.
Take all Glen Taylor’s wealth.
Games this week: home to Charlotte, at Houston, back-to-back (home to Philly, at Denver)
Right now, you get by with much charm.
Hopefully by the playoffs, you’ll mean teams some harm.
18. Memphis Grizzlies (14-14, 9-5 home, 5-9 road, +0.6 differential, 18th last week)
While waiting for the return of their great big Teddy Graham,
we’ve been treated to Rudy Gay and his great nightly slam.
They’ve stayed afloat without Randolph and have not fallen far,
thanks the brilliant play of Marc Gasol, they’re newest All-Star.
TA and Mayo and Conley keep playing well out of the gates,
hopefully during the playoffs they never pass to Marreese Speights.
With Z-Bo getting healthy and hoping to return soon,
it’s getting easier to picture this team playing into June.
Games this week: 4 games in 5 nights (home to Houston, at Nets then home to Denver, home to Warriors), at Houston
17. New York Knicks (13-15, 7-7 home, 6-8 road, +0.9 differential, 20th last week)
Get your Jeremy Lin V-Day cards here.
Games this week: back-to-back (at Toronto, home to Kings), home to Hornets, back-to-back (home to Dallas, home to Nets)
16. Utah Jazz (14-13, 11-5 home, 3-8 road, -0.5 differential, 10th last week)
Jazz is playing; the trumpets blare.
Devin Harris is on the court; Utah beware.
Jazz is playing; the piano brings fusion.
Another up fake from Al Pumperson.
Jazz is playing; the saxophone is set to stun.
Paul Millsap just drew another And One.
Jazz is playing to the metronome tick.
Please make the playoffs; the Wolves need the pick.
Games this week: at OKC, home to Wizards, back-to-back (at Houston, home to Spurs)
15. Houston Rockets (16-12, 10-3 home, 6-9 road, +1.8 differential, 17th last week)
Too scrappy to lose, too much heart to fail.
Have to respect the guidance of Kevin McHale.
Athleticism on the wing with Parsons and Chase,
You can’t even stop Scola with a stomp to the face.
Tons of talent in the lineup the Rockets be startin’,
go ahead; bat your eyes at the shots of Kevin Martin.
I want to marry this team and happily pay the dowry.
Just remember there is nothing you can rank over Kyle Lowry.
Games this week: back-to-back (at Memphis, home to OKC), home to Wolves, back-to-back (home to Utah, home to Memphis)
When the pressure is up and we have the highest stakes,
I really believe you almost have exactly what it takes
14. Portland Trailblazers (15-13, 11-3 home, 4-10 road, +5.4 differential, 9th last week)
He keeps eating those Doritos and can’t fit his belt on.
But you can’t deny the cuddliness of point guard Raymond Felton.
It’s the dawn of a new day, with the grace of a fawn named Bambi.
Few things are smooth and seamless as weak side rotation from Marcus Camby.
The offensive punch is better and it flows like J Hova.
The moves and shots come pouring in from @JCrossover.
Just fill the wings and run the floor and get ready to lower the boom,
Athletic forwards are a-plenty with Gerald and Batum.
Seems like they’re just one player from being able to go all the way,
all made possible by the tireless dedication of the ever-improving LMA.
Games this week: back-to-back-to-back (home to Wizards, at Warriors, home to Clippers), home to Atlanta, at Lakers
13. Boston Celtics (15-12, 11-7 home, 4-5 road, +3.4 differential, 14th last week)
End of the game plays by this team give foes the shivers.
Because they know Ray will get open from the mind of Doc Rivers.
The championship attitude is really hard to foster.
When you replace Kevin Garnett with an impostor.
This team is in desperate need of luck from a leprechaun.
But don’t expect them to take advantage of David Kahn.
Rondo is good and they have a healthy Paul Pierce,
but when the playoffs come can this team really be fierce?
The end of the run is here and this team needs a lot of change.
Let’s hope you know what you’re doing this time, Mr. Ainge.
Games this week: back-to-back (home to Detroit, at Chicago), back-to-back (at Detroit, at Dallas)
12. Denver Nuggets (16-12, 7-7 home, 9-5 road, +3.7 differential, 8th last week)
This was the Valentine’s Day card I gave the DDL last year. Al Harrington just knows how to help you celebrate a holiday.
Games this week: back-to-back (home to Phoenix, at Dallas), at Memphis, back-to-back (at OKC, home to Wolves)
11. Orlando Magic (18-11, 10-6 home, 8-5 road, +1.8 differential, 13th last week)
I can’t think of a better image for Valentine’s Day than this:
Games this week: home to Philly, home to Bucks, back-to-back (at Miami, at Bucks)
10. Los Angeles Lakers (16-12, 11-2 home, 5-10 road, +1.8 differential, 12th last week)
Take your lady out. Choose to wine ‘em and dine ‘em.
Just try to be more gentle than a love tap from Andrew Bynum.
Tell her you love her and she’s the best one of all.
Make your kisses feel as soft as the touch of Pau Gasol.
Hug her tightly and make your embrace as warm as fleece.
Make her laugh, make her smile like a quote from Metta World Peace.
Tell them you love them, and when apart you will miss them.
That’s all the advice I have now. “You’re welecome.” – Kobe System
Games this week: home to Atlanta, home to Phoenix, back-to-back (at Phoenix, home to Portland)
You try to be cunning like a fox. That’s why I can never trust the Hawks
9. Atlanta Hawks (18-10, 9-5 home, 10-5 road, +3.8 differential, 7th last week)
I can’t be with you; I have to go.
I want to trust you. Do you know that, Joe?
Your love means well; I want to groove.
I want to trust you. Do you know that, Smoove?
My tank is on empty. My hunger for you is starvin’.
I want to trust you. Do you know that, Marvin?
I do realize that you’re probably out of my league.
I want to trust you. Do you know that, Jeff Teague?
I wanted to love you when you were at your peak.
But I look around and don’t see Nique.
So I have to deny you, and tell you to kick rocks.
I just can’t bring myself to trust the Hawks.
Games this week: back-to-back (at Lakers, at Phoenix), at Portland, at Chicago
You’re the ones I want to love. I just can’t put you with the three above.
8. Indiana Pacers (17-10, 7-3 home, 10-7 road, +2.3 differential, 5th last week)
Games this week: back-to-back-to-back (home to Miami, at Cavs, home to Nets), home to Charlotte
7. Dallas Mavericks (18-11, 11-5 home, 7-6 road, +3.1 differential, 15th last week)
A succulent team with the taste of the finest Ruben.
The only owner I want to hold my heart is Mr. Mark Cuban.
The shooting on this team is as good as it can get.
Just please don’t hit a shot and then pretend you’re a JET.
You understand where my heart is. I never have to guess if you feel me.
And your style is impeccable, like glasses on Ian Mahinmi.
I can trust you with my heart and never fear it won’t work.
Your touch is just silky, like a jumper from Dirk.
My love shines for you like 10,000 new lamps.
We never give you enough love for being the champs.
Games this week: home to Denver, at Philly, back-to-back (at Knicks, home to Boston)
6. San Antonio Spurs (19-9, 13-1 home, 6-8 road, +4.8 differential, 11th last week)
I long for the days when you would just hold me.
I find you as stylish and fancy as Manu Ginobili.
The days without you could not have been darker.
Please forgive me with the speed of one Tony Parker.
I can’t go on without you; life’s just not fair.
I’m down on my knees like my name is DeJuan Blair.
The past is the past; we should no longer be bitter.
We gel well together like the hair of Tiago Splitter.
If you take me back now, our love will be rich.
My sarcasm is meant to be playful, like Gregg Popovich.
Games this week: back-to-back (at Detroit, at Toronto), at Clippers, at Utah
5. Los Angeles Clippers (17-9, 10-3 home, 7-6 road, +2.4 differential, 6th last week)
Our love is eternal; it will never hit a wall.
It brings us together like we acquired Chris Paul.
I can never part from you. I won’t let you go.
I would never treat you like I would Vinny Del Negro.
I love that you’re my girl and that I’m your boy.
I’ll always be more reliable than a shot from Randy Foye.
It’s true that I love you, like a fat kids loves cake.
I would never do to you what Kendrick Perkins had done by Blake.
You’re a song in my heart like something from Jesse and the Rippers.
I’ll always have your back and defend you like I’m not the Clippers.
Games this week: back-to-back (home to Washington, at Portland), home to Spurs, at Warriors
4. Philadelphia 76ers (20-9, 13-5 home, 7-4 road, +9.1 differential, 4th last week)
Games this week: at Orlando, home to Dallas, at Wolves
I know that you’re pure and won’t be pretenders.
You’re the only ones I consider contenders.
3. Oklahoma City Thunder (21-6, 9-1 home, 11-5 road, +4.7 differential, 3rd last week)
This has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day and very little to do with the Thunder, but @netw3rk reminded me of it on Twitter. And I don’t want to forget to show you.
Games this week: back-to-back (home to Utah, at Houston), home to Warriors, back-to-back (home to Denver, home to Hornets)
2. Miami Heat (22-7, 12-2 home, 10-5 road, +8.3 differential, 2nd last week)
Gaining your love is the only thing that’s my goal.
You galvanize my heart like your name is Norris Cole.
I like at your style and think, “Oh my gosh.”
I like that you’ll never take fashion lessons from Chris Bosh.
Your kisses bring thunder, like a slam dunk from Dwyane Wade.
Please don’t be like LeBron. Please don’t let your love ever fade.
We want to accept you and crown you our King.
But it’s never going to happen unless you bring us a ring.
Games this week: at Indiana, at Cavs, home to Orlando
1. Chicago Bulls (23-7, 9-1 home, 14-6 road, +9.9 differential, 1st last week)
Rose petals flutter to the floor as the rumbling of hooves and horns charge the podium. Curled and tussled hair flows beyond the shoulders of rotating giants, ruminating on ways to make Carlos Boozer’s chest hair quicker to respond. High cheekbones and flat-pressed hair shooting Cupid’s arrows into the hearts of fans from 23 feet away as a carousel of test their feats of competency next to their humble beacon.
When the spring flirts with summer time, will we feel the trembling of horned cattle charging through our beloved league? Will Pamplona be our only tango of this cowhide convoy? Expectations and hopes run both hot and cold, alternating like a torrid love affair amongst Bluth parents. Without water and nourishment, our Rose will never fully bloom.
Games this week: home to Kings, home to Boston, home to Nets, home to Atlanta