The Canterbury Tales were beautifully woven short stories written by Geoffrey Chaucer at the end of the 1300s. They are narratives designed to discuss religion, philosophy and various topics. The Kanterbury Tales are whatever I can come up with off the top of my head when someone asks me in the Daily Dime Live chat to tell them a tale about a specific player. There is no rhyme or reason to them.
Some may be completely factual and some may be folklore designed to teach lessons of morality to the youth over centuries of time. There is no way to distinguish what is correct and what is fiction. It is irrational and boastful to assume one could ever truly figure out what is made up by one’s mind and what is made up by real events that have been passed on over generations.
With that said, I give you the tale of Andre Iguodala, face-eater of the skies.
Why do we look up to the sky so much?
For centuries, the answer to this question has been about man’s fascination with flying. Our envy of birds and contraptions that can make a human being soar has always grown, especially as our world and technology has evolved.
But that’s not the reason we look up to the sky. We’re looking for another gift – one like we were once given.
When parents didn’t want to follow Salt’N’Pepa’s suggestion and talk about sex, baby, they used to tell tales of storks bringing babies to hopeful parents-to-be. And to be honest with you, there was a time in which this was true. As our species was evolving and the idea of outsourcing labor was being defined, there was a brief period of time in which we allowed storks to serve a purpose.
We’d request them to bring us a child and they’d do just that. However, it wasn’t a fully functional system. At a certain point, the labor was brought back to our species and it began to help produce longer life expectancies and stronger humans. For dozens of millenniums, we had turned this practice into folklore and misdirection from discussing biological actions.
One day 28 years ago, this practice returned once more. Although this time, nature had a much more serious intention. Instead of a stork delivering a child to this world, an eagle chose to bestow a gift upon mankind. This eagle swaddled a young child and brought him to Springfield, Illinois.
Upon arrival to an unsuspecting family, the eagle informed the mother, “I give this gift. He is no ordinary child. His journey is to be the weapon that defends your great species from self-destruction. His is an existence of great consequence. Without his defense of your species, you will be wiped out by your own kind.”
He added, “Also if you don’t mind, I’d love to pick up a fruit’n yogurt parfait from McDonalds but I’ve forgotten my wallet. Do you have a dollar to spare?”
This child’s new mother pulled a dollar out of her wallet and the eagle flew away. As she saw him fly away, her inspiration to name him Andre (after her favorite French wrestler Andre the Giant) Iguodala (a jumbled and yet respectful nod to the Eagle Dollar she saw flying away after delivering this great responsibility to her family) appeared.
As Andre grew older, he noticed a very natural ability to defend his peers from bullies in his school. The bullies would attack the nerds of the school but Iguodala would never let the nerds be pummeled. He glided from front-to-back and side-to-side with a moonwalk’s elegance to prevent the bully from ever getting within reach of his target.
His teachers saw his ability to defend small spaces and asked Andre if he’d like to be the school’s hall monitor. As kids would try to ditch classes and make their way to the restroom without a pass, Iguodala would head them off at the pass and never let them get to their preferred destination. He’d herd them into the classes they were trying to skip out on and the teachers appreciated his dedication to the task at hand.
He took these skills and attempted to apply them to the basketball court. He often made children cry because he wouldn’t let them dribble without taking the ball. His school was accused of genetic mutation practices because it was believed Iguodala was engineered to be a teleporter. While these accusations were under review by the school district, he wasn’t allowed to play.
During this “sabbatical” of sorts, his hunger to defend grew. He would run around from grocery store to grocery store to keep teenagers from stealing candy bars and copies of Young Thief Magazine Quarterly or YTMQ as the kids call it. He’d run through the cafeteria of his school, knocking away crumpled-up lunch bags that kids tried to shoot into garbage cans.
Finally, the school district found no evidence of teleportation advancements and allowed him to play. From this moment moving forward, he was able to channel this hunger to protect into a basketball skill that would set him up for the greatest challenge in his life.
Andre moved his way up the high school college ranks and into the college basketball stratosphere. He developed knew skills and abilities, such as jumping upward in a quick and explosive manner before he violently and spectacularly threw a basketball into the basket. He also learned how to pass with great flair.
These skills set him up to be drafted into the NBA where he finally discovered his purpose in life.
There was an invasion. A year before this invasion, Iguodala began to get relaxed in his skills of protection and wanted to concentrate more on the flashy things that got the crowd to go wild. It was exactly what his future enemies were hoping he’d fall into doing.
The invasion came from mad scientists who were engineering warriors to take over the human race. Their first creation was a mercenary named Nate Robinson. Nate was loud and boisterous, created to wear on your nerves and break your will. He challenged Andre to a dunk contest to feed off Iggy’s acceptance of a flashy lifestyle.
The contest was rigged by the scientists who paid off the judges and allowed Nate to try stuff until it kind of worked out in his favor. Iggy was crushed by such defeat, exactly as the scientists had hoped he would be.
However they didn’t take into account what exactly his purpose on this planet was. They assumed defeat on the grandest of stages would break his spirit and send him into a spiral of apathy and despair.
All it did was make Andre’s ravenousness grow past the comprehension of satiation.
Iguodala knew that he couldn’t compete with such lab experiments in such contests governed by a committee capable of human error. He had to find a way to break the spirit of his enemies as they once tried to do to him.
He took years toning down his basketball game, knowing the only way to accomplish such a feat would be to turn into a defender that caused fear in the hearts of his competitors. He studied his footwork and elongated his reach through crude, medieval techniques.
His defense had become so intense and so overpowering that he would accidentally eat the faces of his opponents. Fearing that he didn’t know how to control his appetite, NBA referees didn’t want to become the next Richard Jefferson.
The scientists didn’t know how to react to this. They saw the eating of the faces from Iggy and began to believe this was the only way to combat him. They developed a special drug called “Bath Salts,” a name derived in hopes of not only masking such a product from law enforcement agencies but also in an attempt to get homemakers around the world to allow it into their homes.
It caused regular people to take on zombie-like qualities. They attacked strangers and tried to feast on their faces. The scientists were happy with the progress but had no idea the determination Iguodala would use to fight back. He used his instincts of defense to go from store to store, denying people to reach the shelves in which these Bath Salts were sold.
Any side-alley dealers that tried to pawn them off on unsuspecting users were swatted away as he picked their pockets. He also made sure to take their faces so that people could recognize which villains were trying to help destroy civilization.
The scientists fled to the deep caverns of the Colorado Mountains. Their retreat wasn’t a sign of resignation but an attempt to buy them some time to concoct the next weapon to try to defeat Andre Iguodala.
And so he set off on a journey to Denver, where he will seek out these determined destructors of our world. He will do what he was brought here to do – defend us in our time of need. When he wins this war – and he will win – he will leave them faceless so we know exactly which evildoers meant us harm and to remind us that tyranny will never be tolerated on his watch.
This is why we look to the sky. It’s not in the hopes that we will one day learn how to soar above the world.
It’s so we can know when our next hero will be delivered to us.